Revel in success.

End with success. Revel in success.

Earlier this year, I had to learn how to juggle for a show. It didn't go well in the end and I ended up having to use and play off the inevitable failure in each show. But I hope that I never forget a piece of advice that my juggling mentor and friend, Evan, taught me.

End with a catch. End with a win.

When you're tossing balls in the air, waiting for one of them to do what it's bound to do as an airborn ball and dive away from you, it's easy to get caught up on the falls, the drops. I had to watch a friend learn how to juggle months before (for a different musical) and he beat himself up whenever one didn't go his way--no matter how good he actually was by that point--and it was painful to watch. I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him it would all be alright. But whenever I tried to pull that kind of thing on him, Dan would just say "I'll be nicer to myself about juggling if you're nicer to yourself about dancing."

Whoa. Low blow, man.

I am a musical theatre major. Dance is a part of my profession. But I didn't grow up dancing; I didn't know that this was what I wanted to do. And when I did decide it was what I wanted to do, I didn't really know what my next steps were. I floundered for my last couple years of high school just trying to figure out the whole college audition situation and not thinking beyond that. So dance was on the back-burner. When I got to college, that ended up biting me in the butt. It still is.

I'll admit it. As of right now, I'm one of the worst dancers in my year, if not the whole program. Some people without training, like me, caught on to at least one of our three disciplines--those being ballet, tap, and jazz. I was not so fortunate. I always appear as though I'm struggling to bring the moves from my brain--because they're at least there--down into my body. I just don't flow. I don't have rhythm, I don't have moves, and, worst of all, I don't have confidence.

And, of course, I do it to myself by saying things like "I'm one of the worst dancers in my year, if not the whole program," and, "I can't dance," or, "I'm a terrible dancer," or any other of the plethora of self-defeating phrases that I've made a constant part of my vocabulary. Now, I do this just so that people know that I know that I'm doing it wrong. I would hate for people to look at me stumbling along and think that I think that I've got it. But that shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter.

As people, something in us is programmed to remember the bad and float by the good. I don't know what it is, and it's more prevalent in some than others. Maybe it's a survival instinct so that when something bad happens like, I don't know, eating a poisonous berry, we remember not to put ourselves through that again. If we live to see the day, at least. Point is, bad memories stockpile while good memories only happen one at a time. We only use them one at a time while bad ones we use to prove points against ourselves.

This is a challenge to overcome. We have to do it step by step. And for me, dance step by dance step. Zoom in on today. Or, more importantly, ten minutes ago when I returned from downstairs to my room to write this. I was practicing pull-backs, which in tap dancing are when you jump up in the air and tap your shoes on the ground for only a moment before returning back to the air and landing on your feet a step back from where you began. They're a common step and natural for some and very, very difficult for others. I talked to a lady who said it took her six years to get them consistently across the floor once. Yikes. Not the motivational speech I needed, Carla!

I was finally taught how to do them less than a month ago. And since then, I've given it a couple goes in class. Not outside because I have no space to dance in my house and tap dancing ruins the floor and a lot of other excuses that certainly aren't getting me my pull-backs. But today, after a couple inconsistent successes last Tuesday, I decided to give them a go.

And I got them.

Not every time, but enough of the time to tell me that this is an achievable thing. I had good runs where I did a lot in a row, and bad runs with many slip-ups. And this was only in about 15 minutes of practice. But I was doing well and my spirits were soaring and I decided to call it quits. Partially because I just showered an hour ago and I didn't want to sweat through my brand new cleanness, but also because I wanted to leave the session with that sensation. A rare sensation for me regarding dance: success. 

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I cried in the car as I wailed out to sad songs, was rejected from some jobs, had a crappy situation at a dance studio, and I was feeling overall PMS-y, tear addition (note: my period has not yet come, so I may not even have an excuse). And I couldn't get to sleep. My mind was racing with uncontrollable negative thoughts as a tossed and turned for a half-hour, finally pulling the read in bed with a flashlight card just to steer my mind in a different direction. It helped.

Today, I needed this win. And I got it. And by stopping on that success and letting that be it for me today, what happened to me today, I will keep that success with me for as long as I can before it slips away to some tragedy or some other success. I'm going to revel in it. 

Train your mind to revel in success. Ending on a win is one way, because it leaves your brain like that and rewires it as you leave the task there. We can't always control the good and bad things that happen to us. We often let the bad things stick with us and hover over us like a dark cloud. Why not let the good things hang over us like...whatever your favorite thing is? Today, I have a beautiful teal cloud over me, because that's what I like and that's what I choose.

What do you choose?

June TBR

TBR stands for to be read. Now let's hop to it!

I've already read I Used To Write On Walls by Bekah Brunstetter. Spoiler: it wasn't good.

I am currently listening to the audiobook of Choose Your Own Autobiography by Neil Patrick Harris. I'm almost done with it.

I've already started The Crucible by Arthur Miller. Must-read for any theatre student.

And I've already  started The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August by Claire North. I thought it looked interesting because My Name Is Memory by Ann Brashares is one of my favorite books and they have a similar theme. And cover, strangely enough.

Tennessee William's Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Because every actor should read/see/be in every single one of Tennesee William's plays.  And...I own this one, so I should probably hop to reading it. Plus, who can say no to cats!?

Bossypants by Tina Fey. Because I'm almost done with my current audiobook and I want one to replace it. Luckily, this one seems to be on YouTube! This one I only intend to start in June, not finish.

Disgraced by Ayad Akhtar. Apparently this play is kind of a big deal. Also, it involves my culture, which I don't do nearly enough to educate myself on, so I'd like to see what it has to offer there.

This book was a gift from a friend for Christmas 2014. Haven't read it yet. Basically, I suck. But apparently the main girl in it writes fanfiction and that's right up my alley, so I really can't wait to read it. Especially because, according to BookTube, this book is very well-liked. Can't wait!

Must-read novel for a theatre geek because it was written by Seth Rudetsky. If you don't know who he is, obviously you're not a theatre geek. Looks like a nice, easy read. Can't wait for this one either!

I hope to read more this month, especially with an upcoming vacation, but who can ever tell? These are all the ones that I want to expect out of myself for right now. No need to freak myself out!

May Book Wrap-Up

If you don't know what a book wrap-up is, it's when you substitute the tortilla they use for the burritos at Chipotle with book pages. More fibrous so you poop even more.

Poor jokes aside, a book wrap-up is simply when a book-person reports on the books that they read in a month and gives their non-spoiler thoughts on them and perhaps a rating. I'm going to list every book I read in order, give a brief summary and explanation of my take, whether I recommend it or not, and a rating.

I'm just going to jump right into this, since it's going to be lengthy as it is.

The first two books are actually from March, not May, but they were the first two books in this mission, so I'm going to include them anyway. And we're just going to ignore the fact that this means I didn't finish a single book in April.

 Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

You've definitely heard of this one. It's about a boy named Charlie who is writing letters to an anonymous friend (you) as he's struggling to fit in his freshman year of high school. He confides in you the shenanigans he gets into, the friends he makes, and his family life.

I really enjoyed this book. This is the first book I've read in a long time that I've let wash over me so that I could truly consume it and enjoy it. I did something that I never do and I wrote in it. I wrote in a journal as I read it in case anything truly thought-provoking occurred to me. It was magical and refreshing. Despite Charlie being an unusual child, he is relateable, as everyone feels like they're on the outside sometimes.

9.5 out of 10, because I loved it, but I didn't love it and I'm still waiting for that book that I truly love.

The Odd Couple by Neil Simon

This book is written with a female version and a male version. Obvious by the color sexism here, this is the female version in which much of the play revolves around a game of Trivial Pursuit rather than the poker of the male version. Two main characters who are friends with very different personalities. When one falls on hard times, they move in together, much to each others' chagrin.

Very funny. I love the female cast because we need more plays, movies, and TV shows about girls. There's a wide variety of characters here and they're all fairly well-written. I thought the ending was wrapped up a little too quickly, but this was a pleasant, quick read that I fully recommend.

8.5 out of 10. Can't complain.

 Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss

 A book for pedants everywhere! The famous British book about punctuation. Basically, it's about this history of punctuation and its use (and disuse) now.

This book has some funny moments, some oddly offensive moments (bringing up 9/11 was a little uncalled for), and a whole lot of knowledge about punctuation. You have to be at least somewhat pretentious to enjoy it at all, so if you're not, pass it by, because Ms. Truss is very pretentious. But as a grammar lover, I liked it, I just thought that it was a bit much at times. Its laws were handy though, even to an American reader. I think it reads just as well for an American as it does a Brit, because the differences, if you don't already know them, are all pointed out.

7 out of 10.

Strange Interlude by Eugene O'Neill

A story through the lives of Nina and her boys Charlie, Sam, and Edmund. How they grow together and grow apart, and which boy Nina chooses...or boys Nina chooses.

Strange is right. This play got weird. It had one plot point in the 3rd act that I just couldn't get behind that the rest of play rode on, so that ruined it for me. As much as it was a bear to get through--very long for a play--I kept reading it only because I had to see what happened next because it continued to get more ridiculous. So that has to count for something.

6 out of 10. Don't want to read it again, but I wouldn't mind seeing it live!

 Seeds: a mini story by Glip (and Marl)

Originally on floraverse.com

A web-comic published into a book. Our main characters Min (who is the one my flash hit. Oops.) and Cress are attempting to travel from Topside to Hellside to deliver some seeds. More interesting than it sounds.

This is a world--called floraverse--created by a person (who I think may be genderqueer, so I'm going to stick to neutral pronouns) named Mel, though they go by Glip (short for Glitched Puppet) on their websites. Its a world with a wide cast of characters and many stories besides this one, though it's the first one to be published. I can't recommend it enough. The world has way more questions than answers right now, which is endlessly frustrating, but intoxicating as well. Check it out if you're at all in to comics. Or even if you're not, because all of the art is just amazing and anyone would like it.

10 out of 10.

The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams

Semi-autobiographical book about a family based off of Mr. Williams' actual family. It's about a mother, son, and daughter and their struggles to coexist when none of them truly understand each other.

As much as this one is a classic, I didn't really like it that much. Not much happened. The story just wasn't intriguing. The characters absolutely were, but that just means I would have liked acting in it; not reading it. I think I was just missing something.

6 out of 10.

Yes Please by Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler's autobiography. I listened to the audiobook.

Do the audiobook instead of the physical copy. It's just more fun and there are extra tidbits of fun in there. But anyway, I enjoyed it. But I'm not a huge Amy Poehler fan. If you like her at all, you'll like the book. Simple as that.

6 out of 10, just because I'm somewhat apathetic towards Amy Poehler.

 

 The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare

 An unlikely tale about 2 sets of identical twins, both separated at birth. This play is about the hijinks that ensue including, but not limited to, mistaken identity, angry wives, insanity, witchcraft, and family.

Well, as long as you have a healthy ability to utilize your suspension of disbelief, this is a super fun show. I generally enjoy Shakespearean comedies and this was no different. Easier read than I thought and very fun, though you would have to have even more suspension of disbelief if you were watching it live. Because there's just no way that the identical twins could both be identical twins. But good show regardless.

7.5 out of 10.

Four by Veronica Roth

A collection of short stories about Four/Tobias Eaton before and during Divergent.

Had to round out the series. I got into the series just before Insurgent came out and I even liked Allegiant. So I had to read Four. And I enjoyed it. It was what I expected, nothing more, nothing less. I have nothing against add-ons to series, even if some people see it as a money-ploy. I think that authors just like telling you as much as they can about what they created and I don't care if that's self-indulgent. Because a lot of the readers like to know more too. If you don't then skip it. Whatever.

8.5 out of 10.

Angels In America part one: Millenium Approaches by Tony Kushner 

A play set in Manhattan during the AIDS epidemic. Follows a number of gay men, whether they are living that way or not, and a few various family members. How they live and fail to live with the disease in their lives.

I worked backstage on this play almost 2 years ago, so I was very familiar with it, but I wanted to re-familiarize myself with it before reading part two, which I had never read or seen. I liked getting a deeper look at some of the things that I missed my first time around. Plus, the dialogue is very thick--the characters say conversationally what are actually very thoughtful things, things that are hard to believe that they're coming up with on the spot--so it was nice to take my time with it instead of having actors choose the speed for me. As incredible as the text is, I just don't personally enjoy it that much.

7.25 out of 10.

Proposal by Meg Cabot

A novella about five or six years after the events in Twilight, the last book in the Mediator Series as of a decade ago. This short has to do with more than one proposal and more than one ghost, though one in particular is very, very angry. Suze, as per usual has to clean up that ghost's mess--after first making it worse, of course--and then maybe, just maybe fits in some personal time with our favorite ex-ghost, Jesse.

The Mediator Series was my favorite series back in middle school. Fortunately, the language of this book was a little more advanced, though Suze has changed very little. It was all very familiar but with a touch more age to it. Not much more that I could have asked for. Unfortunately, I thought that this novella had a slow start, which shouldn't be possible for an 80 page book, but somehow it was. But I was just so happy to have a new book in this series! Finally!

8.75 out of 10.

Angels In America part two: Perestroika by Tony Kushner

Continuation of part one. You definitely need to read/see part one first, otherwise you'll be completely lost here; it is not a standalone work. AIDS continues to plight Prior and Roy, as well as their loved ones. We now have actual angels and way more craziness in addition to the sobering hand of death always on your shoulder.

This play just took everything to the next level. This made some things better and others worse. Prior was endlessly fascinating while Harper was endlessly tiring. It was nice to see Joe come into his own a little bit more and his mother was a joy of a more realistic character some others here. Louis was a weenie, as per usual, but it all was crazy. Therefore:

7 out of 10.

Remembrance by Meg Cabot

Currently the final book in the Mediator series. Takes place less than a year, I believe after Proposal. Jesse is working in a hospital, Suze is working, God forbid, at her old high school, and Suze thinks Jesse may be a demon? Whaaaat? Yeah, of course Paul had something to do with that. Glad he's back.

This book did something for me that hasn't happened in a while. Not since Divergent, I believe, but I'm not even sure it happened with that one. I reached the last 100 or 150 pages of this book and could not put it down. I stayed up an hour or two later than I intended because I was hungrily reading through it. Also, this book had 2 plot twists that happened that I really didn't see coming, one of which was enough for me to set the book aside and rant at a friend for a few minutes. That shows some good stuff. Again, Suze was pretty annoying at times, herself and her narration, Paul was more a plot device than a character, and Jesse was not narrated well, but the plot was great. Really great. And the nostalgia too.

10 out of 10. Because nostalgia.

Woooow, long post. That's all of them, though! 10 books/plays in May. Good for me! My TBR for June will be tomorrow!
 

My new project.

I'm posting this here for accountability and self-acknowledgement of a problem.

Confession: I have no less than 128 books that I own in my room that I have not read and no less than 32 books of plays, many of which contain between 3 and 10 plays within them. And those are just mine. That's not even including the literal thousands that my father owns and additional 100 or 200 from my mother. And literal 0 from my brother.

Literally none of these are read.

None of the top shelf is read and only half of the bottom shelf is.

How did this come to be? Well, pure good fortune and a little bit of money. That many books/play probably sounds like quite the investment, but it really wasn't. First of all, most of these have been accumulated in the past 6 years or so, primarily from one source. My church. My church has a yearly book sale at which paperbacks are $1 and hardbacks are $2. That's where nearly all of these books came from. An added bonus is that my mom works at that church and at that book sale, so I can obtain these books...basically whenever.

But I don't read. Like, hardly ever. So these books have just stacked up.

These are the only ones that are read. Except for the ones stacked on the right. Those are TBR.

Or didn't, I guess is the operative word. Because this summer, I'm trying to play catch up. This will be a series on this blog so that I can feel some sense of accomplishment along the way. So I'm going to try to do some of the posts that 'booktubers' do, such as 'wrap-ups' and 'TBRs'. Maybe an in-depth review if something is amazingly good.

Now I'm going to delve into a bit of storytime. If I'm not a reader, how have I come to own so many books? Well, simply put, may of us idealize the people that we are. I've always fancied myself quite the bookwormish nerd, despite the few books that fell into my hands. It was an image for myself that I didn't think too hard about. But, if I thought this about myself, why didn't I do anything to make it true?

Well, I tried. But two things got in the way. I read a little in high school, but got caught up my sophomore year on one book. Wicked by Gregory Maguire. It took me a year to read (in which time I read very few other books if any...don't remember.) And I hated it, despite my blind adoration of musical theatre and the fact that I saw the Broadway musical within that time. But I need to finish things, so by golly, I finished it before I cast it aside, never to touch it ever again. That was definitely a roadblock.

The next roadblock is far more embarrassing. Fanfiction. I stumbled upon it when I was twelve and we got real internet (instead of dial-up) and I was hooked. I've been an avid reader of fanfiction ever since. A few years ago, I finally discovered why fanfiction always won out for me over books. While the quality of fanfiction is overwhelmingly bad--it takes a lot of time to dig up a diamond in the rough, but they are there--and books tend to be good, what with having to go through being published and all that, it came down to one simple truth that I can't refute even today. An amazing fanfiction is always going to be better than an equally amazing book, because you care about the characters more from the the get-go. Because you're seeking out those specific characters and, in all likelihood, pairing/relationship, because you already love it. So books were screwed going into this.

So yeah, I prefer my favorite fanfictions to my favorite books and have reread them numerous times. If I had to save one of them in a fire (assuming that was the only way to read both of them, lolol) I would save the fanfictions.

Obviously, the point of that story is that I essentially gave up reading books for reading internet trash. Not a fair trade, given a lot of the trash I've read, but some of these fanfictions have been truly unbelievably well-written and I've made some excellent friends through my fandoms, so I can't complain. But now it's time to pay it back to these books I've been neglecting.

To structure this for myself--as I'm a person who thrives on structure, especially self-imposed structure--I have made some rules for myself regarding reading. They are as follows:

1. Every other book I read must be a play

2. Only every 4th book/play can be one that I've read before.

3. No more than 1 non-fiction book in a row (this is not including the plays, obviously)

4. No more than 1 potato chip read in a row (these being overly-easy books.)

Crazy to most, I know, but it works for me. I suggest these kinds of rules for others who like structure to enforce reading more important books like biographies or renowned works of literature. But don't do it if it becomes too much of a chore. I will quit if it does as well.

Unfortunately, I've already strayed by checking out a lot of library books...But as soon as I'm done with those, it's onward and upwards for project read-my-dang-books-2016. Or RMDB2016. Posting my May wrap-up tomorrow.

Do you overeat? Me too. Hey, let's work on that.

Right off the bat, I have to say that I do not want to be giving this advice to people who are already in some way, in any way limiting what they eat. I am not on a diet, I am not trying to lose weight, I simply want to stop eating when I'm bored or when I, for whatever reason, get the urge to eat. Please eat if you're hungry and are able to; there are many people who don't have that luxury.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about our problem. This is not binge-eating disorder (BED) this is just a casual problem that, in my case, doesn't have any adverse effects on my physically right now as a 20-year-old who works out, but it likely will when my metabolism slows down in the years to come. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I have a craving. I eat after looking at food blogs on the internet. I eat when I watch TV. I eat if food is around. I don't quit eating after I'm already full. And, lastly, I feel obligated to eat all of the food that I get in one sitting if the other option is just to throw it away (buffets and school dining halls).

While I am not currently experiencing the degree of success that I would like to, I do have a few methods that have been helping, and I would like to share them with the world.

1. Cool it with the pre-prepared food.

It's handy to have frozen chicken nuggets handy at all times. They taste awesome and they're quick and they satisfy just about everyone. But I find that something that really helps me (and it tends to be healthier, as you're controlling exactly what is going into your body) is making your own food.

Gasp! Crazy concept, right? But I really mean it. I know this isn't new info, but just take a second to think about it.

I'm not only talking about full meals. I'm more so talking about snacks. Because what can be the most dangerous is taking that bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into your room as you're streaming something from Netflix and then, poof! The bag is never heard from again. You aren't even thinking about it. One second the bag is there and the next you're crumpling it up and tossing it into the trashcan. And missing because you're completely supine in your bed.

I suggest finding either snacks that fill the sensation of wanting to munch on something (sugar snap peas or carrots come to mind immediately) but don't taste quite good enough to binge on. 

Or prepare your own personal appetizers to munch on. The other day, I fried up some tofu with melted cheese and wilted spinach on top. Relatively healthy, quite tasty and, most importantly, very time consuming. Now obviously I am a person with some time on her hands currently and that's why I'm filling the void with food. If this is you, then follow my lead and prepare your own snacks instead of buying the ready-made ones. Because, if they're not in the house, then they won't be in your mouth. If you don't have the time, then how are you eating so much anyway?

2. Drink. But not your calories!

People are so unaware nowadays of how much they're drinking their calories. That Starbucks drink? Yeah, the one currently condensating on your desk. Do you know how much sugar is in that? Prepare to frighten yourself. Or that cocktail last night or that juice that you had with breakfast. None of that is very good for you and you don't even think about it because it's not a meal!

Solution: fill the daily drinks in your life with healthier replacements and then return to them only as occasional indulgences.

Now, I have the good fortune of not liking a lot of drinks. I don't drink any alcohol by personal choice, so that's a great health benefit right there, but I also don't like most juice, smoothies, tea, or coffee. I still drink them, but only occasionally. Most people are not as lucky as me and have one of these liquids as their water.

First, think about why you're drinking them and then go from there.

Me? I like to get coffee from a local Starbucks-esque coffee shop to nurse while I read a good book or do some writing. I still do that occasionally--no more than once a week--but most of the time now I head home and drink some lemon water instead.

 

My lemon water!

Note: I despise lemon water.

It does not taste great. But it's good for you, it's an appetite suppressant, it has a good amount of vitamin C, and it fills the ambience I need for an activity while I read/write. It's a great solution. Now, this might not be what best suits your life, but it's an example. The main moral of the story is: have something basically calorie-less that you can have by your side instead of seeking out food. I suggest something like lemon-water (or cucumber water or maybe even a tea that's not too sweetened) or actual water. Just something to fix that oral urge of yours when you're not actual hungry.

3. Portion size!

Remember that bag of Doritos that didn't quite make it into the wastebasket? Well, it probably wouldn't have been that bad if the portion size hadn't been all wrong. I'm going to make this one quick. If you lack self-control, as I do, make a suitable portion size before you leave the kitchen (dump whatever it is either into a bowl or a bag) and then leave the kitchen. Don't go back.

Tips for this: invest in smaller bowls for your meals. With a smaller bowl, there is less temptation to shove the rest of that lasagna into the bowl and therefore into you.

Always go smaller than you think that you want, especially if you're hungry. Because you can go back and get more, but you'll probably end up satisfied with the smaller amount that you give yourself anyway. I promise.

4. Know what your triggers are.

If one of your triggers is looking at  food on the internet, just don't. It's as simple as that. Unfollow all of those blogs on tumblr and pinterest and only look up recipes when you really need them. Et cetera. If you know what your triggers are, then it's easier to avoid them.


5. Keep food out of your room. Keep it in the kitchen!

Now this one can be tough if you're living in a dorm room. But other than that, you have no excuse! If you're hiding food from someone, maybe you need to consider the fact that you really should be hiding it from yourself. I find myself eating when food is available. So, simply, make yourself work a little harder for it.

 

 These are literally right next to my bed right now. Don't do this!

6. Last but not least. Don't buy it just because it looks good.

As I touched on before, if it's not in your house, then you won't eat it. I happen to have the misfortune of living in a house with people with very different tastes and very little self-control when it comes to eating. My brother has the appetite of a hippo and the taste sophistication of a three-year-old. So we have endless frozen food for him to munch on. Then my prediabetic dad has the appetite of a hippo with the tastes of...the whole world. So we have the whole world. And my poor mother tries to cater to all of us. I bring more fruits and vegetables into the house, but we are all to blame for the constant array of baked goods.

Again, long story short: You don't need the sugary cereal, and if you do need it, you only need one. You only need one desert in the house at a time and if truly necessary, one desert for each person in the house. I could not tell you how much chocolate is currently in my house, much less the amount currently in my drawer. Don't impulse-buy. Go into the grocery store with a list and don't buy food at stores you're not intending to buy food from. Simple as that. And not buying food is never a missed opportunity, I promise. It will never be a long-standing regret.

If you take these ideas (not rules!) under consideration, you will be so proud of yourself every time you make the smarter decision. And soon that pride will be intoxicating. And then, before long, you'll choose that over the food.

 

First Kisses, Prudes, and Timing.

I am so sick of your first kiss meaning anything about you. I am so sick of it defining you. I am so sick of it being something that you wait for and that you will matter a little more when you have it. Confession time.

I am 20, about to be a junior in college, and I haven't had my 'real' first kiss.

Yes, my lips have touched the lips of others, but they were stage kisses. I'm an actor; it happens. I've kissed a couple of boys many times, but that's not what one's 'real' first kiss is. Because we were told when to kiss, for how long, how it was supposed to look, and more by some older man. And am I ashamed that that's what my first kiss was?

Yes. Absolutely.

But I shouldn't be.

Your first kiss or the first time you have sex or when you happen to get married is not a reflection of your character. It doesn't make you--or me--a prude. It doesn't even mean the things that you now think are fair to assume about me. It's logical to assume that I'm a prude (believe me, I'm not), very picky (why yes, I am), shy (I can be; it depends), I'm not a party girl (I'm not, but I attend college parties on the regular and dress in a way where just everything is hanging out for the world to see).

These qualities aren't one's that you can fairly guess over one cursory piece of knowledge. The fact that someone wanting to kiss me and me wanting to kiss someone aren't two motivations that have intersected yet doesn't say anything definite about me. So why do I continue to be embarrassed? Why does this continue to be a topic that I avoid like the plague even with my closest, oldest friends who definitely know the truth?

Well, society. And people. Oops, I guess that's also society.

I live with sporadically promiscuous roommates. That's hard to live with when you haven't even had your first date yet (save for that skate night in 6th grade, but we don't count that). And also, when you lack experience, people who don't refuse to take your advice or even listen to your words when you talk to them about anything sexual or romantic. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel like a loser. A little virgin.

But it shouldn't.

Regardless of the fact that people should be taking your words like they take anyone else's--that is: under thoughtful consideration--you shouldn't feel badly. Your thoughts are just as valid as anyone else's. And if you don't have physical experience, that just means that you have a different and, frankly, much more rare perspective.

Long story short, you are not a prude. And if this isn't your situation, you're not a slut. Male, female, or genderqueer. And I'm not a prude. Even if this haunting kiss doesn't come for another 10 years. (Which, please don't let it.)

It's all in the timing. The fact that things having turned out for me the way that  they do in the movies isn't my fault and it isn't the fault of the boys in the world. It's just a matter of timing. And I don't want to kiss some random boy at a party; I've been given the opportunity. So I'm willing to wait because that's what I want. And I have the freedom to do that.

So do what you want. Of course, regarding things of this nature, make sure that 'what you want' has been thought over heavily by you and you know profoundly why you want it. And when through with that, suck face with whomever you please!

Something new.

Alrighty. I haven't posted on this blog in nearly two years. And, for all intents and purposes, now it will never be 'this blog' again. I'm changing the game. But I'm not changing the name, because Just Make It Up seems even more appropriate now than it was then. I don't expect for anyone to follow this. And if you used to follow it for my makeup stuff, feel free to unfollow. This is more going to be my online diary. I just have so many interests that I want to put into the world, but keep hesitating on making a youtube channel because I want anonymity and the freedom to ramble about endlessly different topics.

So I'm back where I was five years ago. Five years ago, when I was still in high school, I wanted to create a youtube beauty channel, like I had planned on doing since I was 13. But I was afraid and wanted to dip my toes into the water to feel it out. So I made a blog first, so that not quite so much of me was blatantly showing.

Now I'm following in the footsteps of 15-year-old me, and starting a blog. Not because I want this to grow into anything else, but because I want to feel like I'm putting this out there for people to see, without having to worry about them actually seeing it. Is that cowardice? In a way, yes. But in another way, it's bravery, because it's a new step forward. And that's all that I'm trying to do as I find my sea legs in this world.

In case anyone is reading and wondering what this blog will be filled with, here are my current thoughts:

First of all, my thoughts. I'm sure there will be plenty of endless ramblings where I just like the sound of my own voice, even though  it's not even being spoken. Topics that I think I have an important thing to say about, even though they've been said before, and probably more eloquently. But that's okay. I plan to spitball about musical theatre (my life's passion and work right now), writing, peace in life, reading, books, plays, people, maybe makeup and fashion, etc, etc.

Now, if anyone stumbles upon this, I adore thoughtful conversation. But I don't need for that to happen. What I want more is that if anyone does find this and decide to take a gander, I just hope that something I say is thought provoking. Because that's what I'm trying to do for myself; I'm trying to make more thoughts to make more of me.

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity for myself, world and Blogger.