Thursday, August 4, 2016

Wanting to scream--but it's good!

Have you ever loved something so much that you just want to scream? Like you have so much love and feeling inside of you that it can't be contained, you feel it overflowing and you just want to burst? Well, long story short, that's why I'm doing musical theatre. Because nothing in my life has created this sensation to this degree before. And this sensation--I'm certain that there isn't an English word for it--I'm going to call it the zenith of being alive.

Creation is what makes humans great. And musical theatre is one of the greatest elements of creation, because it's music at its finest, poetry at its finest, story at its finest, singing, dancing, acting, all of it.

Okay, so here's the deal. I watched a movie called To Save A Life tonight. I've watched it once before, but it's been many years. I actually remembered a lot of it, so there weren't many revelations. Except that this time, though I knew what to expect, I cried a lot. A lot more, given that I don't think I cried at all the first time. And I think I felt like watching this movie because, thematically, it's very similar to one of my very favorite musicals (pop operas) Bare.

Bare: a pop opera (not the musical! Suck my ass!) is incredible. In my top five for certain. The music has always astounded me (Role of a Lifetime, No Voice, Bare(!!!), Cross, Are You There?, One; all amazing musically). The story struck me as a little contrived...and it still kind of is. Gay boys in Catholic school. Teen pregnancy. Fat girl. Popular girl. Popular boy. The usual.

But that doesn't make it any less important. Or profound. And these characters, despite whatever prototypical nature they have, are still very real. Too achingly real.

Anyway, I watched this movie (and then took a shower) and then watched the documentary for bare for the third or fourth time. And I just...I just. I am struck with three things.

1.) I want to be a way better friend. A way better person. A friend even to those I don't know. And I wish that there were an easier way to let everyone know that, but really, the only way to do it is to always be the best person that can be. Be giving. Be whole. Be friendly. Don't assume things about people. And if when you do, quiet those assumptions.

I feel like I'm pretty good in this department. I'm not disappointed with myself. But there's always more to be done. And I would just ache to see someone hurting that I could have bonded with. Or shared their load with. Or anything. Really anything is enough. And I need to remember that above all, that's the kind of person that I want to be.

2.) This hungry urge to create. And that's why I'm making this, because this is one of the few things I know how to do. I wanted to watch these to get my creative juices flowing so that I could write (fiction) but now I feel so remarkably untalented that I'm dealing with it by writing this first.

But it's not just wanting to create. I want to be able to create a physical manifestation of this show. I'm not a person that needs a whole lot of stuff, per se. Not a whole lot of extra clothes (not to say that I'm wanting for clothes...I have plenty) or a handpainted vase or a fancy car. But if there's one thing that I like having a lot of, it's physical representations of the things that I love that are in my mind that I want out of my mind. That's why I have so many Pokemon plushies! Things in my mind that I love that are now real that I can hug! (Or sleep with. Shhh.)

So I want art. Or plushes. Or figurines. Or tee-shirts. But I don't know how to make any of those/aren't very good at them. But I still want to do it. And, you know what. Who gives a damn if I'm not good at them. With creation, the most important thing to remember is not to be afraid. So while this fire is all but burning me down, I'm going to create something!

3.) That screaming thing. Still very struck by that.


My point is this: Find the things that make you want to scream. Things that make you feel alive and lucky to be human. Because even in your most lonely moments, these things are there to inspire feeling, evoke emotion and memory and empathy, and bring you to tomorrow with love and art in your heart.

I know I sound fruity, but not all that is contrived, or fruity, or even something we've all heard before isn't bad. Because it can strike you just the same. Just let yourself be open and feel it. And scream.

(But not right now because it's 8 minutes to midnight and everyone's asleep. Except for my dad, who isn't home yet, #daddyissues.)

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