Friday, June 3, 2016

First Kisses, Prudes, and Timing.

I am so sick of your first kiss meaning anything about you. I am so sick of it defining you. I am so sick of it being something that you wait for and that you will matter a little more when you have it. Confession time.

I am 20, about to be a junior in college, and I haven't had my 'real' first kiss.

Yes, my lips have touched the lips of others, but they were stage kisses. I'm an actor; it happens. I've kissed a couple of boys many times, but that's not what one's 'real' first kiss is. Because we were told when to kiss, for how long, how it was supposed to look, and more by some older man. And am I ashamed that that's what my first kiss was?

Yes. Absolutely.

But I shouldn't be.

Your first kiss or the first time you have sex or when you happen to get married is not a reflection of your character. It doesn't make you--or me--a prude. It doesn't even mean the things that you now think are fair to assume about me. It's logical to assume that I'm a prude (believe me, I'm not), very picky (why yes, I am), shy (I can be; it depends), I'm not a party girl (I'm not, but I attend college parties on the regular and dress in a way where just everything is hanging out for the world to see).

These qualities aren't one's that you can fairly guess over one cursory piece of knowledge. The fact that someone wanting to kiss me and me wanting to kiss someone aren't two motivations that have intersected yet doesn't say anything definite about me. So why do I continue to be embarrassed? Why does this continue to be a topic that I avoid like the plague even with my closest, oldest friends who definitely know the truth?

Well, society. And people. Oops, I guess that's also society.

I live with sporadically promiscuous roommates. That's hard to live with when you haven't even had your first date yet (save for that skate night in 6th grade, but we don't count that). And also, when you lack experience, people who don't refuse to take your advice or even listen to your words when you talk to them about anything sexual or romantic. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel like a loser. A little virgin.

But it shouldn't.

Regardless of the fact that people should be taking your words like they take anyone else's--that is: under thoughtful consideration--you shouldn't feel badly. Your thoughts are just as valid as anyone else's. And if you don't have physical experience, that just means that you have a different and, frankly, much more rare perspective.

Long story short, you are not a prude. And if this isn't your situation, you're not a slut. Male, female, or genderqueer. And I'm not a prude. Even if this haunting kiss doesn't come for another 10 years. (Which, please don't let it.)

It's all in the timing. The fact that things having turned out for me the way that  they do in the movies isn't my fault and it isn't the fault of the boys in the world. It's just a matter of timing. And I don't want to kiss some random boy at a party; I've been given the opportunity. So I'm willing to wait because that's what I want. And I have the freedom to do that.

So do what you want. Of course, regarding things of this nature, make sure that 'what you want' has been thought over heavily by you and you know profoundly why you want it. And when through with that, suck face with whomever you please!

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